Lately, I noticed that I had been talking to myself a lot more than before. TTH much~~~ (please don’t mistake this for bipolar syndrome. I also talked to other people, ok.. just that lately, I resorted to TTH more frequent than before.) I did ask my friends about these things. The trusted ones, of course. You know, those who I could give all my money and let them keep it for I believe that they would use it for something worthy to be invested on to, if they have to use it.
(One of my lecturers told us that there are three types of friends. One, that you met at the roadside and just say hi. Two, one that when you met at the roadside, you two would go to coffeehouse and reminisce some old memories. Three is one when you met at the roadside, you would actually bring that friend to your house for even your family know that friend. You would actually willing to like, hand over your family to that friend to take care for if you have to may be go someplace else. It goes way way back. Blablabla~) Well, these friends I talked to, they’re the type three friend. My mother knows them even just from the stories I told her. That is, if I am in the talking-to-other-person mode.
Back to the original point, I haven’t finished my case studies.. yet, here I am, trying to study my case. I admit that I could easily got distracted. I easily got bored. Let’s just say, it takes much effort for me just to stay focus on one thing. Well, that’s why I usually do more than one thing at one time. Multi-tasking, they may say. But I say, just being the typically me. As for now, I am trying to finish this one clerking case while singing to myself and at the same time, writing this thing down. Sometimes, I feel like I am talking to the wall. Of course, the wall is not answering me. That’s one of the beauty of the wall, you might say. It does not talk back. Most of all, it does not hurt your feelings. May be that’s why I prefer talking to the wall. (No offense intended. Hehe..)
Now, this is the story.
1) Home sweet home??
I’ve been putting this thing on hold for at least 3 months now. Am I going back home for this coming holiday or not.
Okay, be +ve. Pros. 1st, Bebe. I actually miss my bebe. (Buah hati pengarang jantung la kata kn.. kalu d kol, jual mahal. Nda besuara. Suda la kalu d kol, kna ada timing yg ngam. Slp timing ja, dia tdur. Nda bole d kacau.) But it tears me up just to hear his laughing voice. Mother said that he could run already. I wonder how exhilarating it feels to chase him around the house. Mother said that he’s getting slimmer right now. Loss of body weight, may be due to how active he is at this time. I wonder if he still recognizes me. O my bebe!
2nd, mother, her mother and her mother’s sister. My grandmothers.. well, being the only daughter in the family makes me treated like a princess when I am home. Of course without the crown and the gown. Ngahahaha… (in the princess-like laughter. Control ayu sket..) well, when I am in the good-daughter mode, I would actually cook on my own initiative. (untuk pengetahuan korang la kan, kita nie jarang jarang sekali masuk ke dapur tanpa di sound dulu. Wahai bakal mak mentua, meet your future daughter-in-law. Bawa- bawa la banyak bersabar ya..iya, fikirkan mak mentua dulu baru anaknya. huhu) They make me feel like home. They even cook my favorite dishes. Even when it’s just a simple dish, well I would give the world just to have it. A home-made dish by my ironwomen. The strongest women in my tiny little world. I love you, ma. I love you, na. Thank You, Ar-Rahman for letting me in into their lives. I know nothing I have is truly mine. Please bless them.
3rd, walid. Even when we just met occasionally, still I feel blessed. He calls when he feels like it. Even it would be just for the whole 60 seconds. Thank You, Ar-Rahman for letting me know this man. Wherever he is, please let him know that this little girl loves him. If that time were the last time I would see him, well, please fill his life with Your blesses, wherever he is. For I know nothing I have is truly mine.
4th, my heroes a.k.a my foes. My older brother, Oggy and his ally, the little brother Qeng. They’re so so much taller than me. But of course, I’m louder AND so so much cuter than them. (of course, anak sarip encem encem. Tp anak sarip jugak cumil.. contohnya, yang tengah menaip nie la. Hihi.. kna jeling la kita jawabnya kalu dorang dengar nie). They’re somewhere in the higher level of kindness compared to me. Being the only daughter in the family does not guarantee the higher level of kindness or sweetness, you know. Somehow, I’m the most stingiest one. I’m the most selfish one. Well, I’m the not-so-kind so-called princess. In the house, it may look like I am the one who rules but the fact is, I am the one being the pushover. Outside the house, it may looks like I am the older sister but the truth is my younger yet taller brother becomes the older brother to me. He would get all-protective when it comes to me, outside the house. I even wonder when did he grow up. Last year when he called me and come up with the idea of wanting to do part-time during school holiday, I was like, wow. (I AM getting old. Haha..) well, when he told me that, I didn’t even realized when did he become a new him.
Okay, cons. The one and only reason that’s been holding me up, M.A.L.A.S. (malas nak fikir bila tarikh sesuai. Macam nak pilih tarikh kawin la pulak.. cause bila dalam takwim cuti, tiket pulak mahal gilak. Mahal na mahal kita betul la. Malas nak cek online cause tiket memang mahal. Tapi cek facebook, rajin pulak. Malas nak beli tiket cause that would usually brings me to the next point, macamana nak bertahan for the remaining period without being obviously seen as tying my tummy. Bila da sampai pulak, adala teman yang tau kita di hometown tu nak ajak jumpa. Malasla pulak, ingat nak duk betapa di gua mana-mana la. jadi kita refuse sebaik yang mungkin .. dia kecik ati pulak. ujung ujung kita tak mempublickan kepulangan la demi menjaga ati masing-masing. Tu tup, ada jugak yang tau kita balik tak bagitau, kecik ati jugak jadinya. Jadi kesimpulannya, memang malas serba serbi. Malas nak tu, malas nak nie. Paling utama, malas nak pack barang. I usually pack my things up last minute. Even when that’s what I’ve been doing for the past seven months.) last but not least, how am I going to tell mother that I don’t feel like coming home this coming holiday. (Lyn, dosa da namanya tu menyakiti ibu walaupun ibu mendiamkan ja..istighfar..)
So, that’s the first item in my list. Taking into consideration the level of laziness I am in now, I am hoping I would get some stronger inspiration and motivation to be back home. (ada orang naik merisik?? Tak balik la kita jawabnya..bwahaha) Home sweet home, wanna give in or wanna give it up??
p/s : for all those who’s away from home, be sure of the real reason why we’re away this far from them, our love ones. Bear in mind that wherever we are, they do wish us well. Let’s do our best to be our best. Let’s try harder not to disappoint them. Everything means nothing when we ain’t got them at the end of the day. Keep hope alive~
2) Here or there??
Now, this is the story about the futuristic me. (thinking ahead of time..) after this three years of course, I would enter a new world of me. The working-me era. I still can’t imagine me in that scenario. With uniform on, a stethoscope in hand, confidence glowing, going for an ambulance call. Despite the scenarios our lecturers and seniors trying to expose us, the female MA, I sometimes think that three years time isn’t enough for us. For me. Would I be as efficient as they are?? Would I help much in this profession?? Would I make a difference to this dying world?? (everything happens for a reason, I know. There must be some reason why He chose us to be one of the apprentices of female MA. I remember when one of my colleagues being asked by a senior, how would you go for an ambulance call when you’re 7months pregnant?? Would you be able to carry the stretcher with a patient on it?? Sounds sexist, yeah. But that’s beside the point. Actually somehow it bothers me. Though it seems like being a female MO sounds tougher than the female MA, at some extent, I think that being a female MA is a tougher task since it takes physical strength as well as the mental strength. No offense, my friends. Just trying to digest some food for thought here. )
Well, back to the original point. We’re to be asked to fill in forms for our attachment sites. A list of three preference places we would like to go for this attachment program. Well of course, I am to put Land Below The Wind as the first choice, taking into consideration that that would please mother. It’s easier to come home as frequent as it could be. Then, what would be the 2nd and 3rd choice of places I should pick?? You know, being away from home has its plusses. I could get out from my comfort zone. I admit it, being out of my comfort zone makes me a new me. (plus, daya penolak lebih kuat dari daya penarik. Lagipun, tapak kaki betahi lalat.. lagi suka di tempat orang dari tempat sendiri. Well, a + b = c.)
So, here or there?? Give in or give up?? (Lyn, istikharah la banyak banyak)
p/s : everything happens for a reason. Don’t give our hope up. Last but not least, let’s be realistic. What goes around, comes around.
3) Now or never??
Is it really now or never?? Whatever will be, will be. I admit distance does make it harder to communicate. I didn’t mean the physical distance. Though that’s one of the variables. The distance. Somehow, it reveals how much length we would go to fight for it. I gave up?? This one, I gave in. Did you actually know how many bridges I had burnt to be there? You didn’t. Did you actually get the bigger picture I was trying to show you then? You didn’t, did you?? As selfish as I sounded at that time, I was breaking inside. I know you did too. I broke down and you weren’t there. I made mistakes. For now, I may have found the true love. I am leaving it to Him to do the arrangements. I still fight for my love, with or without certain people in my life. I have to be strong, even if I had to pretend at first. I’m going to start over. I’m back to square one. I’m back to basic. If it is, let it be. If it’s not, let it be. He knows better. Anyway, I’m keeping my hope alive~ Somewhere out there, someone is looking for me to save him and he’s saving his love for me, just as I’m, for him. (Pergh. Jiwa mode.. blushed, blushed. Lyn, jangan mengharap sesuatu yang tidak sepadan dengan usahamu.. you say it best when you say nothing at all. Sometimes, it’s better to just keep it to yourself, which is most of the time. Fine, kita talk to the wall la..)
p/s : So, this one, I give in. I didn’t give up. I soooo not give up. For the broken ones, I believe she’d rather be a heartbreaker than a promise-breaker. Running out of things to believe?? Try this one. Whatever will be, will be. You’re never alone. For all the lovers out there, keep your love to yourselves first. Keep your words to yourselves. Keep your hands to yourselves. There are many ways to do it right. We don’t fight love as we don’t love fights. Prepare yourselves, fighters. For this is a battle. This is our fight. We still have a long way to go. I don’t want you to fight for me, I need you to fight with me. We are strong as long as we keep ourselves close to Him. Why do we love?? Because we believe in His love~ why do I fight?? For I believe in my love~ for nothing I have is truly mine.
-To be continued, insyaALLAH-
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